Here is my current reading list:
Any guesses on which one gets more play time? 
In case you can’t read the titles, they are Just Do Something, by Kevin DeYoung, Love Your God With All Your Mind, by J.P. Moreland, Suffering and the Sovereignty of God , by John Piper and Justin Taylor, and Gigi – God’s Little Princess, by Sheila Walsh.
3am is a difficult hour to be awake. I’ve heard this from many people, but until you experience it yourself, it’s hard to understand. At 3am, obstacles that seem insignificant during the day suddenly seem insurmountable. Solutions to problems that you’ve previously come up with seem ridiculous, and decisions you’ve made seem faulty.
It’s also one of Eli’s favorite time to eat.
Philip is usually the one to get up with him in the night, but on the nights when I convince him to let me do it, I often find myself back in bed, unable to quiet my mind.
If Satan prowls around like a roaring lion, he certainly sneaks in quietly at 3am, whispering lies in my ear. These lies echo that long ago lie in the Garden of Eden, that lie that comes down to this: God cannot be trusted.
Once I realize what Satan is doing, I try to fight back. I call on all my strength and all my knowledge to defeat him. We battle for awhile, and sometimes he even lets me think I’m winning, only to crush me in the end. And then I realize once again, that I can’t win, I can’t defeat him. I’ve never been able to, I never will be able to. I have to rely entirely, completely on God. And the best weapon that I have against Satan during these battles is Scripture (which is one more reason to commit to memorizing Scripture!).
And so I call on the promises that God has made to me in the Bible. I call on the verses that remind me that God never lies, that He cannot lie (Titus 1:2, Hebrews 6:8), and finally I call on the peace that passes understanding to guard my heart and my mind in Christ (Philippians 4:7), and I slip back into blissful sleep.
At least until a little 3 year old girl pops in my room at 5am, asking if we can go shopping, but that’s another story.
Every night, Philip and I get Callie Grace and Justus to sleep by reading and singing to them. Justus, who has not yet mastered personal pronouns, will say “Sing to you?” when you tell him it’s bedtime. There’s always a little note of panic in his voice, as if for some reason he’s afraid that we will change our minds and tell him he’s on his own. Even though we’ve never done this, not even when he wakes up multiple times in the night, and each time will ask, “Sing to you?”, to get him back to sleep. Callie Grace likes for us to read her a story and then sing to her. She’s always very concerned about the number of stories and songs that we will read and sing to her, sometimes to the point that she can’t enjoy the story being read to her, out of anxiety that it will be the last one.
Does this at all remind you of your relationship with God?
How many times does He fulfill his promises to us? How many times has He come through for us, led us through the dark places, rejoiced with us in the beautiful places, staying close to us in all circumstances, in every situation? And yet, how frequently do we experience the fear that He is not going to continue? How many needless hours are spent in worry over the future, as if we’ve been set adrift and are now entirely alone?
Jill Phillips is a Christian artist that I have come to love, and she has a song called Daily Bread. Here are the lyrics to it:
There’s a restlessness in the soul of man
Nobody’s tamed it yet
You never fail to keep any promises
But somehow we forget
That you’re always right on time
You feed us all with a silver spoon
And like your foolish kids
We start worrying about what we’re gonna do
When the hunger comes again
But you’re always right on time
With an open hand
You have exactly what I need
Daily bread
Daily bread
You have the wisdom and the patience
We need the grace to see it clear
Too soon and we take it all for granted
Too late is more than we can bear
So you’re always right on time
With an open hand
You have exactly what I need
Daily bread
I have found this song to be incredibly helpful in reminding me of such a simple truth, a truth that the Bible states so explicitly in Hebrews 13:5 – God will never leave us or forsake us.
Callie and Justus finally drift off to sleep when they let go of their fears, and they find rest. And in Christ, so do I.
I love to know what’s going on in the lives of those around me. I’m endlessly curious about all the details of their families, their work, their relationships with God, their child-raising techniques, the things that they are interested in, etc. If I wasn’t fascinated by these things, then Facebook would be a dead bore to me. As it is, I can get on Facebook and an hour can go by where nothing productive was accomplished!
That being said, what I’m finding that I need to guard carefully against is gossip, both the sharing and the taking in of it. And this is much harder than it sounds, as gossip comes in all kinds of forms. Besides the very obvious, “Did you hear about…?”, there’s the innocent-sounding prayer requests, the talk that begins with, “I think you should know what ________ is saying, for your own good”, and then there’s the classic, “Can you believe __________ calls themselves a Christian, but they did____________!”.
I can think of few things more destructive then gossip. Most of us have seen it rip apart friendships, families, and churches. Gossip is sinful and therefore evil, yet many of us who call ourselves children of God delight in spreading it. I can call myself out on this one and acknowledge that I’ve had to repent of this particular sin.
I’m wanting to wage war against gossip, in my personal relationship and in my church. What I’m finding is that many women refuse to be vulnerable with each other out of fear of what will be shared with others. Who has not experienced this type of embarrassment? If a person is young in their faith, it could absolutely drive them from church. I’m certain that gossip has to be extinguished in a church before a thriving women’s ministry can be in place.
I came across a great article on this topic by Katherine Walden, and would like to share part of it with you:
“Begin to look for the good and you’ll be surprised what good you will find, even within those who you never have quite found a heart connection. If you train your eye, your ear and your heart to be on alert for the good, you will begin to see the good by default. You’ll see the areas that once bothered you about a person suddenly become traits you can admire rather than cause you irritation. For example, what might appear to be unnecessary perfectionism may actually be a deep desire to lavish their very best on others and God. Assume the best in others and you usually will get the best in return.
When you are in the midst of a group that is intent on malicious gossip, try to swallow fear and attempt to speak the truth in love. By your example, you can turn the tide and build sandbags of edification to keep out the floods. Floods of maliciousness and pettiness wash away the works of God in not only the lives of those that the group gossips about, but also the very group itself! Try not to rebuke but lead by example, bringing up good points about that individual. If the ungodly conversation continues, walk away rather than take part in the tearing down of a brother or sister in Christ. Never listen to a person’s negative report concerning a fellow believer without making sure that person has first gone to that brother or sister in Christ in the hope of bringing reconciliation and healing. “
Here are a few other quotes I like on this topic:
“What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t witness with your mouth.“
“Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you.“
I would rather play with forked lightning, or take in my hand living wires with their fiery current, than speak a reckless word against any servant of Christ, or idly repeat the slanderous darts which thousands of Christian are hurling on others. ” – A. B. Simpson
“T – Is it true?
H – Is it helpful?
I – Is it inspiring?
N – Is it necessary?
K – Is it kind?
If what I am about to say does not pass those tests, I will keep my mouth shut!” – Alan Redpath
“If I can enjoy a joke at the expense of another; if I can in any way slight another in conversation, or even in thought, then I know nothing of Calvary love.” – Amy Charmichael
Is anyone with me on this?
1. I’m embarrassed by how many posts could start with, “As I was eating donuts and drinking Dr. Pepper, I was thinking about…”.
2. I am completely hooked on “The Big Bang Theory”. Especially while eating donuts and drinking Dr. Pepper.
3. I daily question whether I’ll be smart enough to keep up with Callie Grace while homeschooling her. During preschool.
4. Callie has asked me three times today to help her because she “made a huge mess”. She was not exaggerating.
5. I sometimes think that God intends for me to participate in foreign missions. And then I remember that when I see two ants in my house I’m certain the house is infested and I consider moving. I’m not cut out for roughing it.
6. Justus told me again today that he was vacuuming for Jesus.
7. Justus: Can I have a banana? Me: We don’t have any bananas. Justus: Why? Me: (the sound of crickets chirping). Justus: Can I have yogurt? Me: We don’t have any yogurt. Justus: Why? (You can see where this is going…)
8. Lately I’ve been spending all of my free time trying to organize myself so that I can have more free time.
9. I am so ready to decorate for Easter that it’s killing me to wait!
10. I love hearing my husband preach more than I can possibly express, and that I get to be under his teaching three times a week is doing phenomenal things for my walk with Christ.
This past week Eli spent four days in the hospital, due to complications from RSV. His cough was so bad that he was throwing up anything he ate, and so he finally just stopped eating. When we got to the ER, he was so dehydrated that it took five times to get his IV in because his veins kept collapsing. Seeing your little baby go through something like that is horrifying, as so many can attest.
I stayed with Eli in the hospital, never leaving his side, which meant that I didn’t see Callie Grace or Justus. Since nobody prepares for these things, I had nothing lined up as far as meals, childcare, etc. Philip took the brunt of the stress, trying to be everywhere he was needed, and as usual never complaining about anything. But here’s the remarkable thing:
In those four days, my church family stepped in, in an incredible way. Callie and Justus were loved on and spoiled, completely taken care of by many amazing people, food was supplied, laundry was done, the house was cleaned, and all of this without ever having to ask. Eli and I had over 50 visitors and I was well taken care of with Starbucks, food, and love. Philip and I received countless messages of encouragement and support, and the number of prayers that were said for Eli was truly something to behold.
I would like to say that I was able to witness to many while in the hospital, but the truth is, my church family, you were the witness. You were the love of Christ in action. You amazed the nurses and the rest of the staff with your love for us. I may have invited them to church, but they were able to see in you a true community of believers that gave them a reason to be vulnerable and come.
I truly don’t know how people experience all that life brings, the good and the bad, without a church family. I have never felt more loved, more of a sense of belonging to something so much greater than myself, than I do now.
I recently had a discussion with a friend about how frustrating it is to have to repeat the same instructions, warnings and threats to my children time and time again. I said, with a touch of righteous indignation, that I know they are bright children, and I don’t understand how they can keep making foolish decisions. Of course, they are only 2 and 3 (Eli doesn’t count yet, plus so far all of his decision have been spot on ), so the choices and decisions I’m talking about are choosing not to share, not thinking about anyone else except themselves, getting into things they know they shouldn’t, etc. Trying to remain calm while explaining to Callie Grace and Justus, yet again, that they cannot jump from the top bunk to the floor, or take all the clothes in my closet off the hangers, or take the toy that someone else has simply because someone else has it, is exhausting and trying, and I’m sorry to say that at times the tone of my voice during these discussions does not denote love and patience.
The morning after this conversation, as I’m drinking my Dr. Pepper and eating my donuts (despite the donut intervention that has been staged, but that is another story), I’m planning my day and preparing myself for all the day holds with a 3 month old, 2 year old and 3 year old. I’m praying for the wisdom, joy and patience (always a dangerous prayer, and yet again another story), and it hits me: I am so often the spiritual equivalent of a toddler! Only it’s really so much worse, since the choices and decisions I make often have greater consequences. How often does God give me the same instructions, in writing, in a song, in wise words from godly people, only to have me nod my head in agreement and go right on ahead and do what I want? And how often does He have to discipline me in love, sometimes severely, just to watch me step in the same hole over and over and over again?
The Lord taught me an incredible lesson that morning. His patience is never-ending. He disciplines me because He loves me. He will not give up on me, and no stupid choice I make will ever change His love for me. I surely grieve Him with my sinful heart, but day after day, He continues to stay right by my side, walking with me and teaching me. His grace and mercy are new every morning. And through His grace and mercy, this is exactly how I want to be with my children, Of course, I’m human, so my patience will fail and my own selfishness will get in the way, and there will be days that I feel certain I’m failing my children by not being a godly mother. But Christ picks me up, and we start over again. And again, and again, and again.
Can anyone relate when I say that I recently had an experience that catapulted me back to my high school/college self? It was weird and shocking how quickly it happened, I felt almost like I had time-traveled. I thought, how can this be? I’m now a mom of (almost) three, I have a masters degree, I’ve been in ministry with my husband for 6 years, I’ve worked as a therapist for 7 years, I’m not that same girl!
Only… am I? How much do we change as we “grow up”, and how much of the change is actually just a mask, a coping skill we’ve picked up to hide vulnerability?
I know that in many ways, I have changed. My knowledge has increased, my walk with God has deepened, my ability to face life, to embrace life, has been sharpened and strengthened. I’ve had mountaintop experiences, and I have been humbled, knocked to my knees and forced to come face to face with my own flaws and weaknesses. That experience alone changes you.
I also hope that there are aspects of me and my personality that remain the same. My teenage/early 20′s self was cheerful, positive (possibly annoyingly so at times), excited about the future, highly emotional (possibly annoyingly so at times), and not afraid of new experiences and challenges. So in some ways, I very much want to be the same girl.
Regardless, I was not prepared for my Back to the Future moment. Can anyone relate?
Philip and I have been blessed to have two great sleepers in Callie and Justus. Not that I think it was all luck, we definitely established early routines and expectations that have helped, and Callie and Justus both go to bed easily and sleep through the night, getting up around 7ish. I know Eli’s arrival will blow this all apart for a while, especially since we will be moving Justus into Callie’s room to make space for the baby.
For now though, sleep routines have been great and easy, so when nights like last night come a long, it really messes with me, and reminds me how fortunate I am! Callie Grace had a hard time going to bed, due to Philip not getting home until hours after her bedtime. She really thrives on routine and both kids do better when both mom and dad are home to participate in the bedtime rituals. She finally went to sleep and I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking that at least she would sleep in this morning. Around 1am, I hear her get up, open her door, come into our room, and ask for daddy. Philip immediately gets up and gets her something to drink, and tucks her back into bed. 30 minutes later she’s up again, and Philip goes back to put her in bed and comfort her. She comes out an hour or so later and I take over, causing her great distress – “Is daddy ok?”. It takes a few minutes to comfort her, tell her that daddy is fine and that we will have snacks and watch Dora in the morning (both requested and really not appropriate for 3am). She asked that the door be left open, so I go back to bed for about 20 minutes, and hear her calling for me. I go back, and she asks me if daddy is going to get her a puppy dog, and tells me that she wants to name her puppy Chocolate Chip, and that she doesn’t want to go to bed. By this time it’s 4:30am, and I haven’t seen 4:30am with Callie Grace in probably two years!
As far as I could tell, nothing was wrong. I think she must have had a bad dream and it woke her up, then she wanted to see daddy, and then she was awake and ready to start her day. The funny thing was that by the time I was certain she was back to sleep, it was after 5am and I was awake with baby Eli doing his early morning gymnastics! It’s now almost 8am and Callie is still sleeping, however Justus is up and trying to get into Callie’s room to play with her. It has the potential to be a long day!
I’ve reached that weird stage of pregnancy where you don’t physically feel like doing much due to movements being awkward, ligament pain, etc., but at the same time feeling a great need to organize and clean my entire house, top to bottom. These two desires, to sit around and do as little as possible or to do as much as I can fit in, war with each other and often leave things looking half done, mostly because they are. Today I got crazy motivated and started cleaning out my kitchen cabinets, then felt tired, hot and uncomfortable and sat down with my glass of water (another story) and my pile of current books from the library, leaving my kitchen looking like Callie and Justus got a hold of it (which really is not a good example, because when I go to find them, they are cleaning their rooms, putting up their toys, and “dusting” with a container of wipes half gone!).
I’m at 32 weeks now, and have decided that I’m really done being pregnant. That being said, I pray that baby Eli waits to make an appearance until he’s good and ready, but feel that with the amount of food I’ve been eating (I think Philip has some concern about this, probably due to the number of trips he’s made recently to Taco Bell, and the number of grilled cheese sandwiches he’s had to make me at midnight!), Eli’s going to set some kind of record for birth weight. I’ve left that cute, 2nd trimester behind, and have entered the last weeks where I can’t sleep, wear Philip’s clothes instead of mine, and can no longer get Callie and Justus in and out of their car seats without serious issues, which aren’t pretty!
These last weeks will go by fast, this I know, and there are so many wonderful things going on in the Meade household that I hate to wish the time away, but we are ready to make eye-contact with Eli, and I’m ready to get back to my Dr. Pepper diet! (Tomorrow’s story).
